MY PAPER!!!

I finally have finished my paper!!! Originally it was going to be on many different instances when people feel love although love is clearly not depicted in that situation (in fact, the traits that are exhibited can be more closely linked to hate) My main focus was going to be on abusive relationships, but while doing my research, I found so much interesting information on Abusive Relationships, that I decided to focus solely on that particular relationship type and how it is viewed and carried out within our society. (there was not very much information on any of the other relationships that I was looking for). So without further ado...here it is (i CANNOT figure out how to post it as an attachment because i am computer illiterate and don't know how to use my wam account so here's the whole long thing...grrr!):


Michele Gross Honr218e

How can we love those who do not love us?
A Study on Abusive Relationships

"I wouldn't feel anything. I'd keep low. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to visit anybody. Especially when he was around I was more depressed than ever. I didn't want to do anything that would make him angry. I was like a robot. I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to feel anything."

You hear it all the time: a woman gets abused by her husband and yet she stays with him. She endures physical abuse, mental abuse, and fears the moment her husband walks in the door. She has to hide her true feelings and her pain. Yet, if someone were to ask this woman if she loves her husband, the answer would often be "Yes" and she would answer this without much deliberation. How is this possible? How can you love someone who clearly shows no signs of love for you? How is it possible to love a person who actually shows more signs of hate towards you than they do love? Abuse is a growing problem in our nation and seems to show no signs of slowing. This paper will examine the reality of domestic abuse and how "love" as a concept can and does exist in such an atmosphere.

What is abuse?

Abuse. Domestic violence. Batterer. Very ugly words to describe very ugly - and dangerous - behavior. The consequences of abuse in relationships include eroded self-esteem, broken bones, even death. Children in abusive homes, even if not the direct target of abuse, can be physically injured, and often grow up to repeat the patterns seen in their families.Spousal abuse is not a modern problem. Throughout history, and currently in some parts of the world, women and children have been considered to be property. The man of the house had complete freedom to beat, rape, or sometimes even murder a wife or child for disobedience or other perceived wrongs. Throughout the Western world and elsewhere, spousal or partner abuse is now viewed as assault and battery. The vast majority of batterers are men, and the victims are women. However, there are some situations where those roles are reversed. In addition, partner abuse can occur in same-gender couples. Battering involves physical force, threats, verbal abuse, intimidation and fear, control over various things such as finances, time, activities, friends, and/or sex. Battering also follows a pattern of irregularity; it generally falls into a pattern that tends to escalate over time.

Who becomes an abuser? Who becomes a victim?

The best predictor for domestic violence is family history. Whether male or female, a child who witnesses or experiences abuse or incest is at very high risk of becoming an abuser or a victim as an adult. Other characteristics of batterers often include: low self-esteem, objectifiers of women, people who blame their problems on others, high incidence of alcohol use, poor communication skills, jealousy and possessiveness, high stress, loss of employment, poverty or lack of education, history of military service or law enforcement, and access to a weapon. These characteristics are not inclusive, but according to a various number of surveys and research projects, they seem to be among the most prominent. Battered wives and partners generally have a set of different characteristics that apply to them. These include: low self-esteem, learned helplessness, social isolation, economic dependence on their spouse or partner, expectation/acceptance of violent behavior, fear of loss of the relationship and failure to find another one. Lower income groups have more frequent reports of spousal abuse; however, this may be in part because social agencies become aware of the problem.

What is the cycle of violence?

As described by Lenore Walker, who specializes in the psychological treatment of victims (particularly victims of spousal abuse and sexual assault or abuse), in 1979, the cycle of violence is a very typical pattern in abusive partners. With most abusive relationships, the steps of this cycle are recognized and can be identified. The stages are:

1. Tension stage: The cycle begins in a relationship at the "okay" stage. The couple is basically okay, interactions are positive or close. Then, as "real life" sets in, tensions start building. This is called the tension building stage. These tensions may be anything from a bad day to major life changes like pregnancies or job loss. It’s good to note here that all relationships have periods of tension. In healthy relationships, the couple may disagree or argue, but both have equal power in the relationship. In battering relationships, the abusers need for power and control underlie anger and laming. The tension continues to escalate. Survivors often describe feeling like they’re "walking on eggshells" during this time.

2. Explosion stage: Eventually, there is an explosion or battering incident. Abusers may hit, attack, verbally assault, threaten, or scream at their partners. Many people feel battering incidents occur because someone is so angry or so drunk that they lose control of themselves. Comments such as, "if she hadn’t kept nagging me I wouldn’t have lost my temper, or "I was so out of it, I didn’t know what I was doing" can often be heard. Actually, abusers seem to take control, rather then lose it, when they batter. They take control of the immediate situation, their partner, their physical space and usually the outcome of the situation. Therefore, domestic violence is identified as a crime of power and control, not passion out of control.

3. Loving and Contrite or "Honeymoon" stage: After the explosion comes the honeymoon or loving and contrite stage. The batterer is likely to have actually experienced a physiological release of tension. The batterer is frequently sorry, feeling guilty and willing to try anything to make up. There may be flowers or gifts, dates and romance as in the beginning of the relationship. The couple may even make love in an attempt to reestablish intimacy and security after the explosion. The batterer will also be blaming the victim for "having to hit him/her" and will minimize what just happened. The victim will show signs of being in shock, upset, and/or possibly hurt. They will be confused and may feel guilty that somehow they may have caused it. The victim will want to believe the abuser’s promises. Both partners deny how bad the abuse was and that it could happen again. It is important to point out here that no individual wants a relationship to end, they want the battering to end. In this loving and contrite stage, the increased intimacy and promises to get help or never do it again give them hope that things might change.After a while, the loving stage fades again and we start around the circle once more. They both may believe that it will never happen again, that it was a one-time occurrence. The couple convinces themselves that each incident is isolated and unrelated to the next.

There are two things that are known about the cycle of violence. One of these things is that without intervention, the cycle does not show any signs of improving. It actually just seems to become more frequent. Another thing that is known, is that the violence escalates over time. Without intervention, the abuse gets worse and the loving and contrite stages are less apologetic. Eventually, the loving and contrite stage seems to drop out entirely. Often when crisis callers describe a cycle of violence with no loving and contrite stage, the victim is probably in a great deal of danger.

What leads to spousal or partner abuse?

The common belief that abusers (of children) were themselves abused as children may only hold true in general for males, not females. In fact, physical abuse may mean different things to women and men. In a dating or marriage situation, the beginning steps toward severe abuse may involve psychological aggression--yelling, swearing, threatening, spitting, shaking a fist, insulting, stomping out, doing something "for spite"--and slapping, shoving, or pinching. There is some evidence that early in a relationship women do these things as often as men, maybe more so, but men eventually cause more physical damage than women. There is a great difference between an opened female hand slap to the cheek and a hard male fist crashing into the face, knocking out teeth, and breaking the jaw. The slap expresses hurt feelings; the blow reflects raw destructive, intimidating anger. It would be wise to never start the cycle of abuse; so, try to avoid psychological aggression, such as name calling, insulting, and yelling. The evidence is clear that once mild physical aggression of pushing and slapping has started, it frequently escalates into fist fights, choking, slamming against the wall, and maybe the use of knives and guns. Psychological or verbal aggression by either party must be considered an early warning sign that physical abuse is possible in the near future. Verbal assaults and rages should therefore be taken very seriously in such a relationship. As found in many studies, battered women tend to be less educated, young, and poor with low self-esteem, from an abusive family, passive-dependent, and in need of approval and affection. If women are violent against their husband, they tend to have a history of violent acts against others. Abusive men often have a need to control their partner and tend to be unemployed or blue-collar, a high school drop out, low paid, from a violent or abusive family, between 18 and 30, cohabiting with a partner with a different religion, and occasionally use drugs. However, although these are commonalities found among many different abusers, they come from all economic and educational levels.

Why do women or other victims of abuse stay in or return to an abusive relationship?

If an outsider knew about the abuse, he or she might say, "Well, just leave!" It seems to make no sense that a person would stay in a situation that is so harmful. If a victim of abuse had taken a strong stand the very first time some kind of abuse occurred, either by leaving then or by clearly indicating that this can never happen again and leaving if it did, the abuse would probably not have continued. However, once the victim has allowed abuse to occur, a pattern is set in motion that is difficult to interrupt. Often, an abused partner leaves but then returns, believing that somehow things will have changed. It may take several of these leavings (researchers say often 5-7 times) before she "gets" that nothing is changing, things are actually worse, and that she needs to leave permanently, before her life is taken.There are many reasons why women stay with violent partners, and each case is unique and should be viewed individually. However, there are some underlying beliefs that make women stay, there is the overall stigma and embarrassment attached to these relationships with common ignorant beliefs such as she must have deserved it, she must like it or she would leave, or it is a private matter between husband and wife. The most effective form of abuse is thought to be emotional, which is why men use not only physical violence but a combination of mental, verbal, economic and sexual abuse to control women. They gradually wear the woman down, creating total fear and dependence and a lack of self-belief and confidence in themselves and anyone else around them. Outwardly the couple may appear happy and "normal", as these men are often charming and deceptive, so there would be the issue of disbelief and scandal. It is extremely difficult for someone who has not experienced this kind of treatment to understand how it affects women and why they stay, but there are some common factors that coincide among abusive relationships. To the outsider the real question is: Why do they stay together? Why doesn't she/he leave? There must be varied and complex dynamics which tie an abusive couple together. There is much speculation on this matter. Clearly, there are likely to be emotional bonds, fears, shame, guilt, children to care for, money problems, and hope that things will get better. Many abused people are isolated and feel unable to find love again. Some women assume abuse is their lot as a woman, this is an expected part of life. A few women even believe a real, emotional, exciting macho "man" just naturally does violent things. Some violent men are contrite later and even charmingly seductive. Some women believe they are responsible for his mental turmoil and/or are afraid he will kill himself or them. She may think she deserves the abuse. Many (accurately) believe he will beat them more or kill them, if they report the assaults. The abused woman often becomes terrorized and exhausted, feeling totally helpless. Walker (1979, 1993) says the learned helplessness (within a cycle of violence and making up) keeps women from breaking away from the abuser. Another report suggests that both the abuser ("she can't leave me") and the abused ("I love him") have personality disorders, often originating in an abusive childhood. Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are "normal" or "right," people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities. Many people wonder why wife abuse occurs so much more often than other types of abuse. Many writers, a majority of them being part of the feminist movement, believe the cause is male chauvinism --a male belief that men are superior and should be the boss, while women should obey, do the housework, and never refuse sex. A male abuser is described as filled with hate and suspicion, and feels pressured to be a "man." That sounds feasible but new findings by Marano and Dutton reported in 1995, suggest that the chauvinistic facade merely conceals much stronger fearful feelings in men of powerlessness, vulnerability, and dependency. Other research has found abusive men to be dependent and low in self-esteem. Many of these violent men apparently feel a desperate need for "their woman," who, in fact, is often more capable, smarter, and does take care of their wants. These relationships are, at times, loving. The husband is sometimes quite attentive and affectionate. Often, both have found acceptance in the relationship that they have never known before. Then, periodically, a small act of independence by the wife or her brief interaction with another man (perceived as intended to hurt him) sets off a violent fight. The abusive man becomes contemptuous, putting the woman down in an effort to exercise physical-emotional control and build up himself. Of course, the insecure aspects of many abusers are well concealed within the arrogance. Likewise, battered women have been thought of as weak, passive, fearful, cowering, self-depreciating partners. Of course, some are, but recent findings suggest that many battered wives, during an argument, are outspoken, courageous, hot-tempered, equally angry and even violent, but they are overwhelmed by the husband's violence. They don't back down or de-escalate the argument; they respond with verbally aggressive, offensive comments. Researchers are just now studying the complex details of battering by males. There are many theories about male violence: hormonal or chemical imbalance, brain damage, misreading each other's behavior, lacking skills to de-escalate or self-control, childhood trauma, genetic and/or physiological abnormality, etc. Also, beneath the abuser's brutality, therapists look for insecurity, self-doubts, fears of being "unmanly," fears of abandonment, anger at others, resentment of his lot in life, and perhaps a mental illness. There are many other factors that additionally influence a victim of domestic abuse to stay with their violent partner. Most obviously and important, if the couple has children, she may fear breaking up the family and taking the kids out of their normal environment. Additionally, there may be a lack of support from the criminal justice systems. For example violent incidences are often termed "marital disputes". Also 40% to 60% of all police officers are batterers themselves. Money sometimes has a lot of influence on a woman’s situation:A woman may be dependant on her husband for economic support. She may find herself choosing between having a home and financial security with her abuser or leaving and having no home and no money. There are also economic discrimination factors, the abuser may harass his partner at work until she is forced to quit or until she is fired. The political stigma of being on "welfare" also serves as a reason to stay for some. Furthermore there is a six year limit to receiving state assistance. To add to those financial factors, a lack of emotional support may also serve as a reason to stay, women may need to go underground to flee their batterer. They may be required to re-locate, change their identity and their child's' identity, in the process they may lose contact with their families and thereby lose support. Also, in certain low-income areas, there may be a lack of resources, for example, telephone, transportation, lack of shelters, etc. Something that is very important to note, but is often overlooked, is that a woman may love her partner. She remembers how he used to be, she thinks she can make it work. She believes that if she breaks up the family she has failed as a wife and as a mother. In some religions and cultures it is incomprehensible for a woman to leave her husband. Additionally, after enough abuse, a woman may believe that she deserved the abuse, and since many of the behaviors that men incorporate are not illegal, they do not say anything. Referring back to the cycle of violence, the "honeymoon" stage in the cycle of abuse gives the woman hope that he will change. Often times, he/she is also afraid. The victim is afraid to stay and afraid to leave. They often make a move to leave when the fear of staying outweighs the fear of leaving. For all of these varied reasons for staying in a violent relationship, domestic abuse has been consistent in all cultures across the span of time. In order to change the pattern of things, women and men who are sufferers of these types of horrors need to take a stand, they need to work on making themselves stronger and getting out of their negative situations.

How can spousal or partner abuse be stopped?

Once in an abusive situation, assistance and careful planning may be necessary to get out. If the abuser is willing to attend anger management classes or counseling, there is a possibility that the behavior can be changed. However, some batterers are so dangerous that fear for the safety of herself and her children may be a realistic concern: battered women are at high risk of serious injury or death at the hands of an out of control partner. Abuse should not happen but no treatment is a sure cure, there is no definitive cure for abuse. It is not a disease that can be treated with a drug or a broken bone that can be set and put in a cast. There are so many elemental processes involved in an abusive relationship that it becomes hard to cure or even change the people involved. About half of batterers will not get treatment and half of those that drop out. Spousal or partner abuse leaves many kinds of scars: physical, emotional, financial and legal. In some cases, even after the relationship ends, the spouse or partner has to be constantly vigilant about the abuser. The abused person and any children-even those who were not directly abused themselves-need counseling. There are therapists and support groups which specialize in treatment of abuse and emotional trauma.

So What’s Next?

Traditionally, violence among intimates has been considered normal. It has been tolerated, condoned and minimized by the larger culture. Cultural expectations of men include being aggressive, forceful, and often violent. These traits are consistent with our conceptions of masculinity. For these reasons, women and men alike downgrade men's violence. On the other hand, if a woman engages in violent activity, it is considered more remarkable and noteworthy, regardless of it's severity. This behavior violates the traditional notion of femininity, which sees women as passive beings. This leads both men and women to upgrade women's violence, which may in turn lead to blaming women for the violence against them. In a 2002 survey done by the American Medical Association (AMA), 42% of Americans agreed that some wives provoke their husbands to physically abuse them. In this light, the victim becomes responsible for the abusive behavior while the perpetrator is blame free. Many women may be very confused by the abuse they suffer at the hands of their intimate partner, especially with the first incident. The person they love and care about, perhaps more than anyone else in their life, has hurt them. They are likely to start seeking reasons why the abuse happened, asking themselves, "What did I do to make them so mad?" They may blame themselves, or they may blame other things such as their partner's substance abuse or work or school related stress. According to the 2002 survey by the AMA, 48% of Americans agree that men sometimes physically abuse their partners because they are drunk or stressed out, not because they wanted to hurt them. Women who make such excuses for the abuse overlook the fact that their are many men out there who experience the same external stress who do not abuse their partners. They hold on to the hope that once the alcohol/drug addiction is overcome, the stress at work dies down or final exams week is over the abuse will stop, and their partner will return to normal. However, battering is not a series of isolated blow-ups. It is a series of deliberate intimidation intended to coerce the abused partner to do what the perpetrator wants her to do. The batterer is not simply "out of control." The use of violence to deal with feelings is a choice. The choice depends on who he is dealing with. Domestic abuse is an issue that has gotten out of hand in our country and we need to continue to do whatever we can to cease this horrible practice and educate people as to what is really going on behind closed doors.

Works Cited:
What to Do When True Love Turns Violent: A Practical Resource for Women in Abusive Relatonships, Marian Betancourt. Harperperennial Library, 1997.
When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter. Harper Collins, 1992.
Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why, Susan Forward. Bantam, 1986
Cycle of Violence Theory. Lenore Walker, 1979, 1993.