My Final Paper!

Once again, I do not know how to post this as an attachment...so here is my final paper....enjoy!



Michele Gross
HONR218e
16 December 2004

Psychiatric Disorders and Love:
A Study on How "Crazy" Love Really Is

The terms "crazy" and "love" seem to occur together quite often, although not in the context that this paper will approach them. As youngsters, many people one day dream of having the perfect relationship and growing old with their significant other whether they be a male or a female. However, what happens when this is not the case? What aspects of a relationship are affected when one of the people involved has a psychiatric disorder? The following paper examines the ability to pursue and maintain relationships through five different psychological disorders. Many of these affected people have trouble with one or more important features of having and developing a lasting romantic relationship. A deficit in lasting love is not a symptom that is commonly diagnosed in these individuals, but it is a sad and realistic part of having such a disorder. From schizophrenia to obsessive compulsive disorder, these illnesses make romantic relationships difficult to maintain, although they can be successful with the right partners and elements.

Schizophrenia:
Schizophrenia is the most costly disease to society today. Individuals with schizophrenia occupy about fifty percent of beds in all hospitals in addition to fifty percent of the beds in psychiatric hospitals. Schizophrenia is characterized by a disruption of normal perceptual and thought processes. It is a young person’s disorder, with the peak age of onset being 18-25 for males and 25-30 for females and is characterized by a number of both positive and negative symptoms. These include delusions, hallucinations, thought disorder, anhedonia, avolition, alogia, and catatonia. This disorder makes it difficult for the affected individual to form and maintain romantic relationships and to give and receive feelings of love (Raulin).
Fifty percent of male schizophrenics never get married. The statistic for female schizophrenics is better. However, the divorce rate of sufferers is very much higher than the general population. Conclusion, schizophrenia wreaks havoc on relationships (Rogalla).
Unrequited love is a very common thing indeed. We tend to fall in love with people who do not fall in love with us. This is quite natural. Counselors often advise "There are plenty more fish in the sea," or "Don't put all your eggs in one basket". If you suffer from unrequited love you have to learn to let go. This is a natural process of bereavement. It is well worth while to stay away and never socialize with the target of your unrequited affection if it doesn't go further, as the constant pining can cause a schizophrenic to relapse. The sufferer could even undergo a depressive breakdown. But how do you let go?
It has been scientifically researched that when humans fall in love their biochemistry changes. There is a type of addictive process that goes on. If you are separated from your lover you undergo a withdrawal process which is felt as pining. This is totally natural even between healthy humans and depression may result if this goes on. On the other hand when we meet our lovers again we experience euphoria. This usually happens at the passionate beginnings of a relationship. It is scientifically recognized that biochemistry, especially hormones, play a part in the process of "Falling in love". It is also thought to be a form of temporary madness. One women described her new relationship with her boyfriend like this: "Love is a form of madness between two complete fools." This is totally natural, even to healthy humans.
However, if you do not cause a biochemical change in the target of your affection, through a great deal of pampering, they may not fall in love with you. This can be very frustrating and exceptionally hard to come to terms with. People who suffer a lot may be given tranquillizers or they may be given antidepressants or indeed both. It is important to stay away from the target of your affection if it is not reciprocated (Rogalla). Give them a fair chance, talk about it and if the answer is "no" then do your darn hardest to stay out of their social contact circle as this may provoke pining and jealous feelings.
There may be reasonable evidence to believe that when a person with a genetic potential for schizophrenia falls in love and undergoes a change in biochemistry, he or she may develop full blown schizophrenia. Often it is around the time of mid to late teens that someone develops schizophrenia, which may be hormonal in origin and it may be a genetic defect in people who can't handle the first passionate part of falling in love. People may suffer temporary insanity even if they have no genetic potential to develop schizophrenia. Either way this can be traumatic indeed. Relationships do not have to be negative for schizophrenics. Having a partner is to be desired. Often a partner will counsel the schizophrenic and love them for who they are and help them through ups and downs.

Bipolar disorder:
Bipolar disorder is generally characterized by a pattern of mood fluctuations in which the mood is sometimes depressed and sometimes manic. The depressive phases are defined as a "mood that is characterized by sadness and a loss of energy and enjoyment in life", while the contrasting manic phases are "characterized by excessive energy, extreme confidence, euphoria, and irritability. The periods of depression and/or mania may last anywhere from a few days to months. It is an emotional roller coaster for both the people with this disorder and their families and friends. As a result of these frequent changes in mood, romantic relationships with others become very hard to develop and maintain (Raulin). The affected’s partner must be fully understanding of the illness and must be willing to put up with a lot of change and fluctuation in their spouses everyday mannerisms.
There are many aspects of the disorder, than make it hard to form adequate relationships. Hypersexuality, which involves an excessive interest or involvement in sexual activity, is a real problem for the manic bipolar (Raulin). Because it feels very good, and very powerful, it can be a driving force that propels all thought, all feeling, and all motive. Hypersexuality, a common problem while experiencing phases of mania, often causes the individual to engage in flirtatious, seductive behavior that they would never otherwise consider. Hypersexuality also often causes them to abandon real relationships and can lead to dangerous sexual situations. Worst of all, it often causes irreparable damage to integrity, dignity, and reputation (Host).
Sufferers of bipolar disorder also often wrongly interpret subtle nuances in voice and body language when having a physical conversation. This is a problem in interpreting how to pursue a relationship with a possible partner. They also exhibit poor impulse control and tend to enjoy the desire to "live in the moment" without consideration of future consequences. This can be a real problem, especially during periods of mania and depression. Long term relationships do not generally conform to this attitude and their partners suffer in the process.
Another characteristic of bipolars that affects their relationships is their common trait of poor self-esteem. Bipolars often have a desperate need for attention, friendship, and validation from other human beings. These feelings make them very vulnerable to manipulation and deceit in relationships and make them cautious towards new partners and activities. On the opposite end, they also often suffer from feelings of grandiosity when they are in their manic stages. When afflicted with this, they feel that they have absolute clarity and that they can do no wrong. All of their decisions, even the terrible ones, "feel right" and they make perfect sense to the afflicted partner, even though their significant other may think otherwise (Host).

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):
For some people it becomes very difficult to control their worries even when their life is going relatively well. The frequency and intensity of worry thoughts and images is high, and the person worries about a variety of different areas rather than just one thing. Often the excessive worrying is associated with other disruptive and uncomfortable symptoms including sleep disturbance, muscle tension, restlessness/being on edge, being easily fatigued, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. Mental health professionals refer to excessive uncontrollable worry that interferes with daily functioning and is associated with these types of symptoms as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Some individuals with GAD experience panic attacks due to extreme anxiety associated with excessive worry or worry triggers. Other individuals complain of feeling shaky or twitchy, muscle soreness, cold clammy hands, sweating, dry mouth, nausea, diarrhea, urinary frequency, an exaggerated startle response, trouble swallowing or a "lump in the throat" (Raulin).
In general, people with GAD worry about the same things as people with normal worry. Common areas of worry include relationships, work or school, family or friends, pets, health issues, finances, community or world affairs, and daily hassles (e.g., being late for appointments, getting tasks completed, car breaking down, losing personal possessions). Examples of some of the specific worries that have been reported by people with GAD include "Is my husband late home from work because he has been in a terrible car accident?" "What if my work this week wasn’t good enough and my boss gets angry with me tomorrow?" "What if everyone hates the meal I make at my dinner party? What if I’ve lost something important?". For people with GAD one worry can often spiral downwards into other worries that are increasingly frightening. For example, "what if I have made my boss angry? what if he fires me? what if I can’t pay the mortgage? what if my family ends up homeless? what if my wife and children leave me and I end up alone?" This excessive worrying can often lead one’s romantic partner to become equally stressed as well and can lead to the breaking up of relationships. By adding these additional stressors to a relationship, something that already may be a stressful situation, there becomes more of a chance of instability in the relationship (Long).
As a result of excessive and extreme worrying most people with GAD feel high levels of anxiety (sometimes chronically). In an attempt to reduce their anxiety some individuals with GAD begin to engage in a variety of behaviors such as excessive checking, excessive reassurance seeking, distraction or self-medicating. These behaviors can create further problems and they don’t tend to be very effective ways of managing worry. Some people with GAD have positive beliefs about their worrying which make it difficult to give up. Some people with GAD have negative beliefs about their worry (e.g., worrying could give me cancer, worrying could make me lose my mind, my worrying may cause the bad thing to happen). Relationships can be fully maintained between people with GAD, as it does not severely limit their functioning and may not be detected during the beginning of a relationship (Long). However, dealing with a loved one who suffers from GAD can be a difficult task and does lead to problems in some relationships. The anxiety that the affected experiences can rub off and cause the individual’s significant other to be stresses as well.
Most people with GAD report that their worrying led to significant problems during their late teens or early twenties. However many people with GAD also say they have been a "worrier" as long as they can remember, including their childhood. Approximately 3 to 4 out of every 100 people meet criteria for GAD, which makes it just as common as other anxiety disorders such as panic disorder. We also know that GAD seems to affect more women than men. Studies have shown that people with lower socioeconomic status (e.g., lower incomes, poor housing, etc.) are more likely to have GAD, possibly due to a higher rate of life stressors that can make a person more vulnerable to uncontrollable worry (Gliatto). Researchers are focusing upon these different patterns to learn more about GAD and why certain individuals seem more vulnerable than others. Researchers have found that as many as 75 to 90% of individuals with GAD have at least one other disorder such as social phobia, major depression (or symptoms of depression), panic disorder or substance abuse disorder (Long). Some people with GAD also have physical conditions associated with stress such as recurrent headaches or irritable bowel syndrome while others struggle with substance use problems as they try to reduce the excessive worrying and related symptoms with alcohol and/or drugs. These physical traits, along with the wholly mental ones, can lead to rockiness in relationships, but they can still be maintained as the capacity for love and romance is still present in these people, not matter how much anxiety they experience.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
Obsessive compulsive disorder is characterized by "strong, unwanted thoughts that create significant anxiety. These thoughts and the anxiety they produce often drive repetitive behavior that is excessive, is utterly unnecessary, and sometimes seems foolish to the person" (Raulin). The unwanted thoughts that the individual cannot control are called obsessions, while the behaviors that the individual feels compelled to perform are called compulsions. The compulsions are often described as rituals because they must be performed repeatedly and usually in a very specific manner. Common obsessions and compulsions include "washers", people who wash their hands fifty or more times in a single day, and "checkers", people who will check their locks repeatedly in fear of a break-in or something else (Raulin).
It is horrible to have obsessive compulsive disorder, but the disorder is made especially worse when it causes problems in a relationship. The "normal" partner is often put in an awkward position, trying to understand and often accommodate behaviors which are bizarre. From their perspective, many compromises and sacrifices are often made. This sometimes causes resentment and friction within the relationship. On the other hand, the person with the OCD desperately needs the help of someone that they can confide in and trust. They may feel helpless in knowing that the non-OCDer cannot truly understand how much the illness controls their actions (Steketee).
An OCDer can feel betrayed when some "personal rule" is accidentally broken/ignored by their partner or when the disorder is used as the focal point of daily conflicts within the relationship. Very often the non-OCDer will be unsure of the best way to deal with things. It can be extremely upsetting to see a loved one trying to cope with the illness and being tormented by their obsessions. The non-OCDer can feel as if they are placed in an impossible position. On the one hand, they might feel compelled to help their partner by accommodating their bizarre and irrational fears and rituals - whilst on the other hand they may be reluctant to do anything that might make the illness worse. This can push the theory known as "tough love" to it's limits.
After years of living with this illness, a tremendous amount of strain is put on the relationship. Both partners may have several feelings and emotions regarding the other. The non-OCDer may well feel so absorbed in the bizarre world of their OCD partner that it feels like they share the disorder with them. Of course, there may also be feelings of resentment, especially if they have been restricted in their life and their enjoyment of certain things has been affected. They may well have been prevented from doing certain things or going to certain places due to their partner's fears (Steketee).
The partner with the disorder needs the assistance, support and co-operation of the other, especially when dealing with the compulsions, but this may result in them feeling guilty for disrupting their loved one's lives in such a way. There is no doubt that OCD does put a great deal of strain on any relationship, and there are many couples that do break up, with OCD being used as a real/imagined excuse (Raulin). However, there are also many people who rise up to the challenges of OCD and become closer and better people despite it. It isn't easy coping with the symptoms of OCD or sharing the pain, embarrassment or hopelessness that it brings and OCD definitely makes it difficult to maintain a romantic relationship for an extended period of time.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):
The defining characteristic of borderline personality disorders is "a pervasive pattern of unstable or intense relationships" (Raulin). People with BPD often find themselves in intense, wonderful relationships that turn terrible sour at some point, often breaking up painfully and dramatically. The relationships may be with professional colleagues, friends, or lovers. Generally speaking, the more intense the relationship, the more likely it is to collapse. For example, a relationship with a lover is more likely to collapse than one with an acquaintance. These people also always place the blame for their failed relationships on the other person, never on themselves (Raulin).
This personality disorder is identified by tremendous instability, especially in relationships and in mood. There is an intense fear of abandonment, and the individual makes constant efforts to avoid abandonment. However, the intense mood swings, especially the expression of anger, actually encourage abandonment because it is difficult for others to tolerate a relationship with an individual with a borderline personality disorder (Franklin). One minute you are the most wonderful person on earth, the next minute you are compared to Attilla the Hun. These individuals often make many suicide gestures, and frequently engage in self-mutilation. They are extremely impulsive, and engage in many self-defeating behaviors.
Approximately 2 percent of the population may have borderline personality disorder. The essential feature is a history of long term unstable relationships and intense mood swings, especially anger. The relationship problems make it difficult to treat individuals with this problem, and treatment is usually long term, perhaps lifelong. These individuals sometimes mask their inability to have a stable intimate relationship with stable non-intimate relationships or relationships that are stable as long as full intimacy is not possible (Franklin). Another problem with these individuals ability to function in an intimate relationship is due to the fact that they either idealize or denigrate others, perhaps switching abruptly between these two polar opposites. They also have a problem with confusing intimacy and sexuality, which is something that must be clearly distinguished in a romantic relationship.

Throughout all of these disorders, it is easy to see how maintaining a meaningful and romantic relationship could turn out to be a difficult endeavor. However, with proper counseling and understanding partners, there should be no reason that these individuals cannot lead and keep up a relationship of this type. No, these types of relationships will never be completely "normal" and will never be as easy to experience as those which do not involve lovers with psychiatric illnesses, but these people still have the capacity to love and to be loved. Through perseverance and determination for the relationship to work, these people can live happily and healthily and can live in lasting and fulfilling relationships for the duration of their lives.


Works Cited:
Franklin, Donald. Personality Disorders. Psychology Today, March 2001.

Gliatto, Michael. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. American Academy of Family Psychologists, 2000.

Host, Paula. Bipolars and Romance. 2002 http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_chat/a/0302_online1.htm

Long, Phillip. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Medical Post, Jan. 7, 1997.

Raulin, Michael. Abnormal Psychology. Allyn and Bacon: Boston, 2003.

Rogalla, Talmadge. Schizophrenia. New York: David and Charles Publishers, 1998.

Steketee, G.S. Overcoming Obsessive-compulsive Disorder. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1999.

Project scrapped.... : (

So, my first attempted project flopped...I guess I’m pretty bummed about it since I thought that it would turn out really cool, but whatever...I’m glad that I didn’t invest too much time in it so it’s not like I completely scrapped an entire project, but I would have liked it to work out.
I was planning on making a video in which I interviewed random people when I was at home and had them talk about what love was to them. Actually, it wasn’t going to be an interview, more like I was just going to let them talk. I wanted to get people of all ages, races, relationship statuses, etc. When I first tried to do this (with some people I knew at first) they seemed to need more questions to initiate discussion. So I tried again and used questions to probe the people and obtain sufficient answers from my "subjects". However, all of the answers I got were very generic and did not come out the way that I had expected them to. I guess I would have had to better prepare for this with giving the people time to think about their answers before I went through the process of taping them. Maybe I was expecting too much....I just didn’t want the same generic, fairytale answers about love. I was looking for more content and I still think that this would be an interesting project to undertake, it just did not work out in these limited circumstances...so I trashed it...I was just very disappointed with how it was going to turn out and it wasn’t what I wanted. Sheldon and I tried to think of how to salvage it, but to no avail...hence my new project: a study on various psychiatric disorders and how people with these disorders function in romantic relationships....I am almost done with it and I think it should turn out well...I am finding out a lot of interesting information, so off to work on that....later.

Repost...to be used for project!!!

Spaghetti and Meatballs! Story:During the summer right before I go back to school, my family takes our yearly cruise. We have always gone as a complete family and we always have a lot of fun. However, the summer before college, I wanted to go away with my friends on vacation to the Outer Banks and after much fighting I was allowed to go. My family was really upset that I was not with them, and since I was coming back they day after they were leaving, we weren't going to see each other for 2 weeks. Although having the house to myself for a week was not a bad thing (heehee) I did miss them a lot and when they arrived at home I had a homemade dinner wating for them. I made greek salad, spaghetti and meatballs, fresh garlic bread, fresh marinara sauce, and fresh-squeezed lemonade. (AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK AT ALL!!!) So I think this showed that I loved them and I really missed them I guess... Analysis: Often times, dinner is the only meal where the entire family is able to sit down together and eat and talk and find out what is going on with every member of the family. Food is also something that is deeple associated with love and gatherings and social activities. By cooking dinner for someone, they are able to see that someone cares about them. A mother(or father) who slaves over a hot stove every evening, is constantly showing their family that they care how they eat, they care that they get the sustinance that they need to survive, that they love them. In the case of this artifact, the fact that the chef of the meal learned to perform this task for the purpose of this particular meal conveys an even deeper message. She missed her family who she left behind and in a mixture of love and guilt and excitement, this meal was prepared. It was a way of showing her family that she loved them. She realized that they had just gotten off of a long flight and would be very hungry and by learning to prepare this meal and having it waiting for them when they got home, she demonstrated her love for her family. Directions: Boil pasta with water in a large pot. Prepare ground turkey for meatballs. Mix meat with breadcumbs and spices and shape the meatballs. Cook meatballs in a skillet and then mix them with a pasta sauce and continue to cook. Hand squeeze lemons in a juicer and add sugar and water for lemonade. Then prepare and bake garlic bread, toss a salad and prepare salad dressing made from oil, cider vinegar, salt, pepper, lemon, garlic...etc.

Answer to "Why We Love" Question 2

Fisher's thesis in "Why We Love" is that love, in any way, shape, or form affects all of us sometime in our lives. Her survey that she talks about in the beginning showed that Japanese and Americans experience love in very similar ways despite the huge difference in the way that both of these societies function. Fisher goes on to explain that seratonin and norepinephrine, the two main love hormones, cause similar reactions in a variety of creatures, including animals. She points out that in many animals the hormonal reactions are very similar tothat of humans. Male animals often don’t eat or sleep during the mating season in order to ensure they keep their desired mates; male animals can also be possessive, just as humans are when they feel that their love may be challenged. She specifically talks about chimpanzees being one of the most sexually active animals and yet they do not practice monogomy. There is also the evolutionary perspective which says that we love because we need to in order to mate and reproduce. Also, she mentions Freud's psychodynamic theory which reverts all feelings of love and the like to sexual urges and repression.

So far, I am not particularly pleased with the book. I feel that Dr. Fisher does not do much in the way of presenting new information and that most of what she does is to list different theories that already exist. This might be her goal, but I have heard all of this many times across many different fields and it somewhat bores me and I see it pointless to write a book about stuff that has already been recorded. Her personal survey/research was somewhat interesting, but I think a larger sample size across a broader range of cultures would be needed for a true observation of this. I think that Fisher titled her book "Why We Love" because that is precisely what she is trying to explain across a broad range of fields. While I don't think this answers the question, since it states many theories and scientific findings, it is a good resource for learning all of the different hypotheses if one was unaware of them.

MY PAPER!!!

I finally have finished my paper!!! Originally it was going to be on many different instances when people feel love although love is clearly not depicted in that situation (in fact, the traits that are exhibited can be more closely linked to hate) My main focus was going to be on abusive relationships, but while doing my research, I found so much interesting information on Abusive Relationships, that I decided to focus solely on that particular relationship type and how it is viewed and carried out within our society. (there was not very much information on any of the other relationships that I was looking for). So without further ado...here it is (i CANNOT figure out how to post it as an attachment because i am computer illiterate and don't know how to use my wam account so here's the whole long thing...grrr!):


Michele Gross Honr218e

How can we love those who do not love us?
A Study on Abusive Relationships

"I wouldn't feel anything. I'd keep low. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to visit anybody. Especially when he was around I was more depressed than ever. I didn't want to do anything that would make him angry. I was like a robot. I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to feel anything."

You hear it all the time: a woman gets abused by her husband and yet she stays with him. She endures physical abuse, mental abuse, and fears the moment her husband walks in the door. She has to hide her true feelings and her pain. Yet, if someone were to ask this woman if she loves her husband, the answer would often be "Yes" and she would answer this without much deliberation. How is this possible? How can you love someone who clearly shows no signs of love for you? How is it possible to love a person who actually shows more signs of hate towards you than they do love? Abuse is a growing problem in our nation and seems to show no signs of slowing. This paper will examine the reality of domestic abuse and how "love" as a concept can and does exist in such an atmosphere.

What is abuse?

Abuse. Domestic violence. Batterer. Very ugly words to describe very ugly - and dangerous - behavior. The consequences of abuse in relationships include eroded self-esteem, broken bones, even death. Children in abusive homes, even if not the direct target of abuse, can be physically injured, and often grow up to repeat the patterns seen in their families.Spousal abuse is not a modern problem. Throughout history, and currently in some parts of the world, women and children have been considered to be property. The man of the house had complete freedom to beat, rape, or sometimes even murder a wife or child for disobedience or other perceived wrongs. Throughout the Western world and elsewhere, spousal or partner abuse is now viewed as assault and battery. The vast majority of batterers are men, and the victims are women. However, there are some situations where those roles are reversed. In addition, partner abuse can occur in same-gender couples. Battering involves physical force, threats, verbal abuse, intimidation and fear, control over various things such as finances, time, activities, friends, and/or sex. Battering also follows a pattern of irregularity; it generally falls into a pattern that tends to escalate over time.

Who becomes an abuser? Who becomes a victim?

The best predictor for domestic violence is family history. Whether male or female, a child who witnesses or experiences abuse or incest is at very high risk of becoming an abuser or a victim as an adult. Other characteristics of batterers often include: low self-esteem, objectifiers of women, people who blame their problems on others, high incidence of alcohol use, poor communication skills, jealousy and possessiveness, high stress, loss of employment, poverty or lack of education, history of military service or law enforcement, and access to a weapon. These characteristics are not inclusive, but according to a various number of surveys and research projects, they seem to be among the most prominent. Battered wives and partners generally have a set of different characteristics that apply to them. These include: low self-esteem, learned helplessness, social isolation, economic dependence on their spouse or partner, expectation/acceptance of violent behavior, fear of loss of the relationship and failure to find another one. Lower income groups have more frequent reports of spousal abuse; however, this may be in part because social agencies become aware of the problem.

What is the cycle of violence?

As described by Lenore Walker, who specializes in the psychological treatment of victims (particularly victims of spousal abuse and sexual assault or abuse), in 1979, the cycle of violence is a very typical pattern in abusive partners. With most abusive relationships, the steps of this cycle are recognized and can be identified. The stages are:

1. Tension stage: The cycle begins in a relationship at the "okay" stage. The couple is basically okay, interactions are positive or close. Then, as "real life" sets in, tensions start building. This is called the tension building stage. These tensions may be anything from a bad day to major life changes like pregnancies or job loss. It’s good to note here that all relationships have periods of tension. In healthy relationships, the couple may disagree or argue, but both have equal power in the relationship. In battering relationships, the abusers need for power and control underlie anger and laming. The tension continues to escalate. Survivors often describe feeling like they’re "walking on eggshells" during this time.

2. Explosion stage: Eventually, there is an explosion or battering incident. Abusers may hit, attack, verbally assault, threaten, or scream at their partners. Many people feel battering incidents occur because someone is so angry or so drunk that they lose control of themselves. Comments such as, "if she hadn’t kept nagging me I wouldn’t have lost my temper, or "I was so out of it, I didn’t know what I was doing" can often be heard. Actually, abusers seem to take control, rather then lose it, when they batter. They take control of the immediate situation, their partner, their physical space and usually the outcome of the situation. Therefore, domestic violence is identified as a crime of power and control, not passion out of control.

3. Loving and Contrite or "Honeymoon" stage: After the explosion comes the honeymoon or loving and contrite stage. The batterer is likely to have actually experienced a physiological release of tension. The batterer is frequently sorry, feeling guilty and willing to try anything to make up. There may be flowers or gifts, dates and romance as in the beginning of the relationship. The couple may even make love in an attempt to reestablish intimacy and security after the explosion. The batterer will also be blaming the victim for "having to hit him/her" and will minimize what just happened. The victim will show signs of being in shock, upset, and/or possibly hurt. They will be confused and may feel guilty that somehow they may have caused it. The victim will want to believe the abuser’s promises. Both partners deny how bad the abuse was and that it could happen again. It is important to point out here that no individual wants a relationship to end, they want the battering to end. In this loving and contrite stage, the increased intimacy and promises to get help or never do it again give them hope that things might change.After a while, the loving stage fades again and we start around the circle once more. They both may believe that it will never happen again, that it was a one-time occurrence. The couple convinces themselves that each incident is isolated and unrelated to the next.

There are two things that are known about the cycle of violence. One of these things is that without intervention, the cycle does not show any signs of improving. It actually just seems to become more frequent. Another thing that is known, is that the violence escalates over time. Without intervention, the abuse gets worse and the loving and contrite stages are less apologetic. Eventually, the loving and contrite stage seems to drop out entirely. Often when crisis callers describe a cycle of violence with no loving and contrite stage, the victim is probably in a great deal of danger.

What leads to spousal or partner abuse?

The common belief that abusers (of children) were themselves abused as children may only hold true in general for males, not females. In fact, physical abuse may mean different things to women and men. In a dating or marriage situation, the beginning steps toward severe abuse may involve psychological aggression--yelling, swearing, threatening, spitting, shaking a fist, insulting, stomping out, doing something "for spite"--and slapping, shoving, or pinching. There is some evidence that early in a relationship women do these things as often as men, maybe more so, but men eventually cause more physical damage than women. There is a great difference between an opened female hand slap to the cheek and a hard male fist crashing into the face, knocking out teeth, and breaking the jaw. The slap expresses hurt feelings; the blow reflects raw destructive, intimidating anger. It would be wise to never start the cycle of abuse; so, try to avoid psychological aggression, such as name calling, insulting, and yelling. The evidence is clear that once mild physical aggression of pushing and slapping has started, it frequently escalates into fist fights, choking, slamming against the wall, and maybe the use of knives and guns. Psychological or verbal aggression by either party must be considered an early warning sign that physical abuse is possible in the near future. Verbal assaults and rages should therefore be taken very seriously in such a relationship. As found in many studies, battered women tend to be less educated, young, and poor with low self-esteem, from an abusive family, passive-dependent, and in need of approval and affection. If women are violent against their husband, they tend to have a history of violent acts against others. Abusive men often have a need to control their partner and tend to be unemployed or blue-collar, a high school drop out, low paid, from a violent or abusive family, between 18 and 30, cohabiting with a partner with a different religion, and occasionally use drugs. However, although these are commonalities found among many different abusers, they come from all economic and educational levels.

Why do women or other victims of abuse stay in or return to an abusive relationship?

If an outsider knew about the abuse, he or she might say, "Well, just leave!" It seems to make no sense that a person would stay in a situation that is so harmful. If a victim of abuse had taken a strong stand the very first time some kind of abuse occurred, either by leaving then or by clearly indicating that this can never happen again and leaving if it did, the abuse would probably not have continued. However, once the victim has allowed abuse to occur, a pattern is set in motion that is difficult to interrupt. Often, an abused partner leaves but then returns, believing that somehow things will have changed. It may take several of these leavings (researchers say often 5-7 times) before she "gets" that nothing is changing, things are actually worse, and that she needs to leave permanently, before her life is taken.There are many reasons why women stay with violent partners, and each case is unique and should be viewed individually. However, there are some underlying beliefs that make women stay, there is the overall stigma and embarrassment attached to these relationships with common ignorant beliefs such as she must have deserved it, she must like it or she would leave, or it is a private matter between husband and wife. The most effective form of abuse is thought to be emotional, which is why men use not only physical violence but a combination of mental, verbal, economic and sexual abuse to control women. They gradually wear the woman down, creating total fear and dependence and a lack of self-belief and confidence in themselves and anyone else around them. Outwardly the couple may appear happy and "normal", as these men are often charming and deceptive, so there would be the issue of disbelief and scandal. It is extremely difficult for someone who has not experienced this kind of treatment to understand how it affects women and why they stay, but there are some common factors that coincide among abusive relationships. To the outsider the real question is: Why do they stay together? Why doesn't she/he leave? There must be varied and complex dynamics which tie an abusive couple together. There is much speculation on this matter. Clearly, there are likely to be emotional bonds, fears, shame, guilt, children to care for, money problems, and hope that things will get better. Many abused people are isolated and feel unable to find love again. Some women assume abuse is their lot as a woman, this is an expected part of life. A few women even believe a real, emotional, exciting macho "man" just naturally does violent things. Some violent men are contrite later and even charmingly seductive. Some women believe they are responsible for his mental turmoil and/or are afraid he will kill himself or them. She may think she deserves the abuse. Many (accurately) believe he will beat them more or kill them, if they report the assaults. The abused woman often becomes terrorized and exhausted, feeling totally helpless. Walker (1979, 1993) says the learned helplessness (within a cycle of violence and making up) keeps women from breaking away from the abuser. Another report suggests that both the abuser ("she can't leave me") and the abused ("I love him") have personality disorders, often originating in an abusive childhood. Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are "normal" or "right," people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities. Many people wonder why wife abuse occurs so much more often than other types of abuse. Many writers, a majority of them being part of the feminist movement, believe the cause is male chauvinism --a male belief that men are superior and should be the boss, while women should obey, do the housework, and never refuse sex. A male abuser is described as filled with hate and suspicion, and feels pressured to be a "man." That sounds feasible but new findings by Marano and Dutton reported in 1995, suggest that the chauvinistic facade merely conceals much stronger fearful feelings in men of powerlessness, vulnerability, and dependency. Other research has found abusive men to be dependent and low in self-esteem. Many of these violent men apparently feel a desperate need for "their woman," who, in fact, is often more capable, smarter, and does take care of their wants. These relationships are, at times, loving. The husband is sometimes quite attentive and affectionate. Often, both have found acceptance in the relationship that they have never known before. Then, periodically, a small act of independence by the wife or her brief interaction with another man (perceived as intended to hurt him) sets off a violent fight. The abusive man becomes contemptuous, putting the woman down in an effort to exercise physical-emotional control and build up himself. Of course, the insecure aspects of many abusers are well concealed within the arrogance. Likewise, battered women have been thought of as weak, passive, fearful, cowering, self-depreciating partners. Of course, some are, but recent findings suggest that many battered wives, during an argument, are outspoken, courageous, hot-tempered, equally angry and even violent, but they are overwhelmed by the husband's violence. They don't back down or de-escalate the argument; they respond with verbally aggressive, offensive comments. Researchers are just now studying the complex details of battering by males. There are many theories about male violence: hormonal or chemical imbalance, brain damage, misreading each other's behavior, lacking skills to de-escalate or self-control, childhood trauma, genetic and/or physiological abnormality, etc. Also, beneath the abuser's brutality, therapists look for insecurity, self-doubts, fears of being "unmanly," fears of abandonment, anger at others, resentment of his lot in life, and perhaps a mental illness. There are many other factors that additionally influence a victim of domestic abuse to stay with their violent partner. Most obviously and important, if the couple has children, she may fear breaking up the family and taking the kids out of their normal environment. Additionally, there may be a lack of support from the criminal justice systems. For example violent incidences are often termed "marital disputes". Also 40% to 60% of all police officers are batterers themselves. Money sometimes has a lot of influence on a woman’s situation:A woman may be dependant on her husband for economic support. She may find herself choosing between having a home and financial security with her abuser or leaving and having no home and no money. There are also economic discrimination factors, the abuser may harass his partner at work until she is forced to quit or until she is fired. The political stigma of being on "welfare" also serves as a reason to stay for some. Furthermore there is a six year limit to receiving state assistance. To add to those financial factors, a lack of emotional support may also serve as a reason to stay, women may need to go underground to flee their batterer. They may be required to re-locate, change their identity and their child's' identity, in the process they may lose contact with their families and thereby lose support. Also, in certain low-income areas, there may be a lack of resources, for example, telephone, transportation, lack of shelters, etc. Something that is very important to note, but is often overlooked, is that a woman may love her partner. She remembers how he used to be, she thinks she can make it work. She believes that if she breaks up the family she has failed as a wife and as a mother. In some religions and cultures it is incomprehensible for a woman to leave her husband. Additionally, after enough abuse, a woman may believe that she deserved the abuse, and since many of the behaviors that men incorporate are not illegal, they do not say anything. Referring back to the cycle of violence, the "honeymoon" stage in the cycle of abuse gives the woman hope that he will change. Often times, he/she is also afraid. The victim is afraid to stay and afraid to leave. They often make a move to leave when the fear of staying outweighs the fear of leaving. For all of these varied reasons for staying in a violent relationship, domestic abuse has been consistent in all cultures across the span of time. In order to change the pattern of things, women and men who are sufferers of these types of horrors need to take a stand, they need to work on making themselves stronger and getting out of their negative situations.

How can spousal or partner abuse be stopped?

Once in an abusive situation, assistance and careful planning may be necessary to get out. If the abuser is willing to attend anger management classes or counseling, there is a possibility that the behavior can be changed. However, some batterers are so dangerous that fear for the safety of herself and her children may be a realistic concern: battered women are at high risk of serious injury or death at the hands of an out of control partner. Abuse should not happen but no treatment is a sure cure, there is no definitive cure for abuse. It is not a disease that can be treated with a drug or a broken bone that can be set and put in a cast. There are so many elemental processes involved in an abusive relationship that it becomes hard to cure or even change the people involved. About half of batterers will not get treatment and half of those that drop out. Spousal or partner abuse leaves many kinds of scars: physical, emotional, financial and legal. In some cases, even after the relationship ends, the spouse or partner has to be constantly vigilant about the abuser. The abused person and any children-even those who were not directly abused themselves-need counseling. There are therapists and support groups which specialize in treatment of abuse and emotional trauma.

So What’s Next?

Traditionally, violence among intimates has been considered normal. It has been tolerated, condoned and minimized by the larger culture. Cultural expectations of men include being aggressive, forceful, and often violent. These traits are consistent with our conceptions of masculinity. For these reasons, women and men alike downgrade men's violence. On the other hand, if a woman engages in violent activity, it is considered more remarkable and noteworthy, regardless of it's severity. This behavior violates the traditional notion of femininity, which sees women as passive beings. This leads both men and women to upgrade women's violence, which may in turn lead to blaming women for the violence against them. In a 2002 survey done by the American Medical Association (AMA), 42% of Americans agreed that some wives provoke their husbands to physically abuse them. In this light, the victim becomes responsible for the abusive behavior while the perpetrator is blame free. Many women may be very confused by the abuse they suffer at the hands of their intimate partner, especially with the first incident. The person they love and care about, perhaps more than anyone else in their life, has hurt them. They are likely to start seeking reasons why the abuse happened, asking themselves, "What did I do to make them so mad?" They may blame themselves, or they may blame other things such as their partner's substance abuse or work or school related stress. According to the 2002 survey by the AMA, 48% of Americans agree that men sometimes physically abuse their partners because they are drunk or stressed out, not because they wanted to hurt them. Women who make such excuses for the abuse overlook the fact that their are many men out there who experience the same external stress who do not abuse their partners. They hold on to the hope that once the alcohol/drug addiction is overcome, the stress at work dies down or final exams week is over the abuse will stop, and their partner will return to normal. However, battering is not a series of isolated blow-ups. It is a series of deliberate intimidation intended to coerce the abused partner to do what the perpetrator wants her to do. The batterer is not simply "out of control." The use of violence to deal with feelings is a choice. The choice depends on who he is dealing with. Domestic abuse is an issue that has gotten out of hand in our country and we need to continue to do whatever we can to cease this horrible practice and educate people as to what is really going on behind closed doors.

Works Cited:
What to Do When True Love Turns Violent: A Practical Resource for Women in Abusive Relatonships, Marian Betancourt. Harperperennial Library, 1997.
When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter. Harper Collins, 1992.
Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why, Susan Forward. Bantam, 1986
Cycle of Violence Theory. Lenore Walker, 1979, 1993.

Response to Question 2 From Final Reading of "General Theory..."

Overall when the book "A General Theory of Love" was released in 2000, it got a scattering of mostly positive reviews. It was received as a legitimate scientific work and was applauded for its studies in neural science and its dapplings in the world of humanistic psychology. It was also positively marked for its varied methods of studying psychology from Freud’s psychdynamic theory to modern psychological and medical studies in the world of biological neuroscience. It was reviewed as a work which connected the brain and love in a manner which was understandable and informative. Also, it’s efforts in linking the limbic brain to most acts of love and maintaining that stance throughout the book, constantly referring back to the influence of the limbic brain on whatever topic is at hand, is a consistency throughout the book. Although it was slightly criticized for being a work of "common sense", it was also recognized as stating the obvious which is often overlooked by most of the psychological world. The book was also criticized for not necessarily coming to any new conclusions or bringing about any new data or findings. "A General Theory of Love" simply states the theories and conceptualizations that already exist in these fields of psychology and brings them together into one book that makes these ideas known to the public.

Personally, as an individual who takes a great interest in the field of psychology and the like, I found this book to be extremely interesting. As I read it, it was not mundane as if I were reading a text book, however, it was interesting and many of the concepts in it were familiar to me as I went along. I think that Lewis, Amini, and Lannon did a wonderful job of conveying the psychological nature of love and related concepts to people who may not be very well experienced in the fields of psychology and or neural science. I became interested in the book very quickly and enjoyed how they connected everything back to the previously stated concepts of the limbic brain and related theories. The one criticism that I have with this book is that I do not think that they did enough to separate the factual and data-related information from that which was purely based on feelings, initial reactions, and emotions. Although I do think that both of these aspects are needed to convey the ideas that were presented in this book, I do believe that they could have been better distinguished from each other so as not to confuse the reader. Overall, I thought that this was a well-written and well-organized book that successfully uses the concepts that we know of today to answer the questions that we all have about the always impending idea of love.

Best Friend Necklace 

ARTIFACT_Fan Clubs

I couldn't find a pic of a fan club letter online. But we talked about them in class and I'll look for one, but this site is a [somewhat creepy] represetation of a fan club letter.

http://www.ecrush.com/cfc/fantasm.phtml?sess_sid=&cobrand